What I learned from Lyme.

5 years ago… almost exactly, I got a wakeup call.

It was early June.

My husband and I were celebrating the end of the first year of homeschooling our son. He had completed the first grade and was thriving.

It was summer, it felt hopeful. It had been a good year.

A week later, I woke up with a funny feeling. I remember feeling like I was not quite there. Like there was a thin veil of fog between me and everything else.

I forged on. Ran errands. Made dinner.

And then I woke up the next day, it was Father’s Day. I wanted to make the day special for David but I knew I couldn’t ignore what I was experiencing.

I was deep in that fog and nothing helped. Nothing alleviated it. I felt like I was drowning.

This was the beginning of my journey with Lyme Disease.

It was an intense 2.5 year period of time with twists and turns, ups and downs, & really hard moments. And it was a period of transformation.

I learned that my health was not something to be taken for granted.

Up until this point I had been pushing my body. It was so easy to be disconnected from my physical experience and push myself to the limits. And for what? I was soon going to get to the bottom of that.

Sometimes the fog was so deep I couldn’t imagine feeling normal again. And I couldn’t believe I had ever taken my good health for granted. Look at all the people walking around, feeling good in their bodies, feeling healthy and happy! I swore I would never forget this when I got better.

The other wakeup call was that I had to be my own best advocate when it came to my health, body and treatment.

Sometimes that meant tuning inward to know the next step.

Tuning in? How could I do that and also learn to trust that wise, inner voice?

There was no manual on how to get through this. I had to go in for the answers.

Also, there was a lot of laying around.

I don’t do that.

Who am I if I'm not being productive? There was no checking off the "to do" list. 

That begged the question, am I then still lovable?

Can I love myself in that state?

I had to tune into another kind of voice within me that encourages, that nurtures, that inspires, that is unconditional. That contains wisdom. And guidance.

I also realized the importance of caring for my body and implementing a self care routine that supported my health. Physically and mentally.

(Practices that in turn support my singing practice.)

And I began to appreciate how singing was an integral part of my self care routine.

At times it was the only thing that could help me feel even remotely better.

Singing became a practice that felt, nourishing, that felt empowering.

I learned how to listen deeply, to respond to what my body was telling me and developed ownership over the process of connecting to my voice.

I learned how to become my own teacher.

I learned how to advocate for myself.

I learned to go in, ask those big questions, gather the data, and then find my way in the dark with that inner navigational system.

And then use that voice to ask for what I needed.

This experience helped me find my voice.

This experience gave me all the gratitude in the world for my voice, for my body and for my health.

They are gifts.

They are gifts that need to be nurtured, cared for and used.

So yeah, Lyme sucks.

But I’m also grateful for what I learned.